How many times have you enjoyed so much the process of waiting in line, or waiting for the end of a work day, or maybe for waiting for vacation to start? Probably not very often, and I gotta say I’m not liking this waiting. It’s tough to sit here, and wait. I’m of two minds these days that are different but both true. I want her to let go and be free from this pain and uncomfortableness that she’s experiencing, she’s seen everyone and said all of her goodbyes, it’s time to go on and be free from this body. Parallel to this, I want more time with her still, even if it is just to hold her hand and just be around her a little longer, I’m just not ready. There is a hole inside of me that started small and unexpected with the word “terminal” and has been increasing slowly until this moment that I know is coming very soon that will cause it to be ripped wide. I want to avoid this moment (and that’s for me), but I welcome and invite it (and that’s for her).
and so I wait
Psalm 130:5-6 says:
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning. (ESV)
The watchman knows the morning is coming, but he cannot make it come any faster. He does not control it, his task is simply to remain at his post and watch for it.
In the same way, sometimes faithfulness means continuing to wait, staying at your post (or where God has you), and trusting that God will act in his time. The waiting may feel long, but we have hope in the certainty of God’s word, just as the watchman waits with confidence that morning will come.
Updates on her in general – she is pretty unresponsive, with some baby glimpses of clarity. She’ll suddenly open her eyes and it’s like the fog is gone and I’ll say “I love you” and she’ll say it back, and then as quickly as I glimpsed a rebecca of the past it’s gone again and she’s back asleep. I’m administering morphine every 2-4 hours as she experiences pain, so she’s keeping comfortable. She still is able to motion to me occasionally that she needs water and I’ll wet a small swab and smush it into her mouth to give her some water, and repeat a few times until she’s not asking for more or is back asleep. Nurses keep saying “very soon” but what was “probably tonight” on Sunday gave way to “somewhere between 3 hours and 3 days, but closer to 3 hours” yesterday, to “sometime in the next 72 hours” today. So literally only God knows. In one of her moments of clarity I was able to ask her if she was scared and she said she was not, so that’s a blessing. Another plus is I’ve gotten really good at typing and mousing and using my phone with only my right hand as she’s taken over my left hand (picture) and I love it.
Prayers for peace and release for Rebecca, for her to feel no unresolved business and closure with everyone. For the girls to allow themselves to feel what is going on and not be scared to lean into that and allow the emotion to happen. And for me to see through my watch well until God brings this girl home.
Love you all